INTRODUCTION - 

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This is in response to the steady stream of drive-by posters who are overwrought by the prospect of springing for 75 cents to buy a tack cloth, blanche at $4.95 for plans to build a cherry highboy, balk at paying a couple more bucks for a nice resaw blade, cringe at shelling-out less than the price of a pizza for a flea-market bench plane that will last them a lifetime, shy away from investing a week's worth of lunch money in a few wonderful woodworking books, and lastly it's for those of you who will uproot every shrub, flower and weed in the garden, in an effort to find a magic dye which makes construction-grade douglas fir look like claro walnut.

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Yes, this is the Crowbar FAQ, and it is designed to help you
cheapskates.... errr cost-conscious people get the most out of your wallet. Who am I kidding? Get *anything* out of your wallet!

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WHAT KIND OF CROWBAR SHOULD I GET?
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Thank goodness there aren't quite as many variations of crowbars as there are handplanes, or we'd be here all day. There are three basic types:
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1. Simple crowbar - 
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This tool has been around since there were     nails. The simplest were hardened tool steel, with a slightly tapered, bent tip. The tip is split for better gripping of small bills. These crowbars work best on bi-fold wallets. Their slim, tapered tips penetrate the thinnest wallets without disturbing other contents.
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2. Goose-neck wrecking bar -
<br> These crowbars are easily recognized  by their faceted rod, aggressively curved goose-neck and blunter tip. They are best used on the fatter, more compressed, tri-fold wallets. The goose-neck is handy for the initial prying apart of the melded leather folds, while the blunt tip works well on milk-money that has been squirreled away since kindergarten.

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3. Breaker Bar -
<br> While these implements of destruction are often
seen being used in their secondary function of breaking-up concrete and stone, their original purpose was to bust open briefcases, fanny-packs (no offense to Aussies, I know what "fanny" means to you chaps), money clips, shoulder bags, and  other conspicuous yuppie accoutrements.
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WHERE DO I GET A GOOD CROWBAR?

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I suppose you could go to Sears. <insert braying laughter> 

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Since you're a cheap bastuhd, you probably already hang around garage sales and flea markets, hoping to cart something home for free, from some poor slob who's too tired to drag some bulky item back to the car, so you're in luck; you might get one free, just for saying you'll take it off his hands. 
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If you do end up having to pay for one, depending on the severity of your wallet paralysis, you may end up in what's known as the
"Crowbar-Wallet Deadly Embrace" (CWDE). This classic catch-22 is
easily overcome by either putting the crowbar of your choice on your next Christmas/Channukah/Birthday/Wedding Shower/Baby
Shower/Graduation gift list, or by visiting a nearby junk yard and sneaking out the prize in your baggy pants (best to bring a date, so as to explain the protrusion in your drawers... the proprietor will understand).
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HOW DO I USE IT?

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1. The Individual Pry
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This depends on the type of crowbar you've acquired, and the relative tightness of your wallet. The typical bi-fold wallet is best laid on the floor, unfolded (don't worry if it snaps back shut; it happens, especially for those who won't run their car air-conditioners in 90 degree heat, because it wastes gasoline, and is "hard on the engine"), with the opening (if one is detectable) to your right. 

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***Note: Reverse this orientation if you're left-handed. If your orientation is different, wear braces to firm-up your wrists.
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Then, with the crowbar held in both hands (left hand a few inches
behind the tapered end, and right hand near the other end), apply your left instep to the closed side of the wallet. Bend your left knee until you're nearly in a genuflecting position. (Note to fellow Roman Catholics: Do not reflexively cross yourself, because remember, you're holding the crowbar, and the business end will feel real lousy going into your forehead. DAMHIKT) You don't want to go quite to one knee, because you still want to be able to bear nearly your full weight on that hopelessly tight wallet.
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Insert the tip into the open side, and slide it in. This may take some wiggling. Then, bear your weight on the end of the crowbar. The wallet should open. Release your left hand, and extract necessary cash. If the cantilevered weight of the crowbar isn't enough to keep it open, then you'll need to employ.... 

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2. The Two-man Wallet Pry
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This is actually a simpler and safer method of prying money out of those really stubborn, seemingly sealed-shut wallets. It also works better if you go ahead and use the larger, more robust goose-neck wrecking bar. The Pry-man stands with both feet spread slightly less than shoulder width apart. He then slowly wiggles his feet inward until both feet are holding down just the edges of the wallet. This is tricky with those slim-line bi-fold wallets, but our experience has been that people with those kind of wallets aren't usually cheap bastuhds anyways. 

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Using the goose-neck end, insert the tip as far as it will go, then push down hard on the end of the bar, being careful to maintain pressure on the wallet's edges. A dangerous wallet kickback may occur otherwise.

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Now it's the Retrieval-man's turn. Taking care to keep one's fingers clear of the teeth that must be guarding this wallet, pull a few dog-eared bills from the moth-eaten crevice. Kneel or crouch off to the side, in case the Pry Man should slip, and send a fusillade of buffalo head nickel milk-money out of the abyss. Stick-em (TM), though outlawed by the NFL is a good idea here to ensure a secure grip on the money. You may only get one chance. <br>
If this method fails, there's always....
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3. The Three-man Bash, Break and Scramble
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This is the simplest, but likely least conservative method of
liberating funds from a death-gripped billfold. Place the wallet on a hard, flat surface (granite would be good). All three men grasp the breaker bar, and plunge it into the vise-like jaws of the wallet, while exclaiming like a crazed WWF announcer, "Another piledriver!!! And another piledriver!! How long canna the lil' wallet take it?!" (thick Welsh accent optional)

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When the money is freed from the tatters, two men scramble for the loose change (not much likelyhood of folding money being present in this extreme example of a skinflint, cheapskate, cheeseparer, chuff, nabal, piker, tightwad) while the other holds the breaker bar. Best to agree upon who's going to hold the breaker bar beforehand. 
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This FAQ Copyright 1998, Patrick M. Olguin. 
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Permission to copy is freely given, provided it contains this copyright notice, and is used for non-profit, humorous purposes.
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O'Deen
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-- 
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Old tools and old fools: a dangerous combination
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http://www.concentric.net/~odeen/oldtools